‘Getting up with Games of Thrones!’ writes Lisa

Contains spoilers for seasons 1 till 4 and swearing words.

It has been ten months when season four ended. That is quite a while. And now season five has started, a lot of you will find themselves in a position of…Who is that? What happened? How did he came there? So let’s put everything together.
Season four has ended with Arya on a ship to Bravos. Across the Narrow sea, out of reach from the Iron throne. How did Arya get on that ship? With an iron coin she got from her faceless assassin friend who she met while heading for the wall, which she never reached. Instead she had been on a road trip for three seasons.
Don’t forget publics favourite: Tyrion Lannister. Accused of killing King Justin Bieber at the beginning of season four. He got captured, while his wife Sasa Stark escaped. After some form of trial he demanded trial by combat. Oberyn Martell, that Doornish guy with that cute accent, lost the combat. Tyrion was found guilty. He got freed by his brother Jaimie, that guy who fucks his sister, and shipped away with Varys, the sneaky bold guy. But before that, he killed Tywin Lannister, that grumpy old dad, and Shea, his hooker girlfriend.
Cercei was in most of the season four just busy with trying to get Tyrion killed and being a bitch. But now her father is dead, she will rule for Tommen, her son who is about to marry Margery Tyrell. This Tyrell family is still trying to climb the ladder.
Sansa got away thanks to Petyr Bealish, the sneaky guy with hair and a brothel. He took care of her and married her aunt. Petyr pushed Aunt Lysa Arryn, that crazy women in the vales with a kid of twelve still on her breast, through the moon door. Sansa lied saying that her aunt jumped. Don’t forget that Brienne is still looking for Sansa to protect her.
Brann stark, that crippled boy, has arrived behind the wall and is promised to learn how to fly. No one has heard anything of Rickon, baby Stark, since he was carried away by that wildling woman, Osha.
Meanwhile, remember that Theon had taken over Winterfell and was captured by Ramsy Snow. Now known as Ramsy Bolton. Ramsy is that other crazy person who tortured and trained Theon till there was not a lot of Theon left. Don’t forget that Ramsy’s dad, Roose Bolton, was part of the organizing committee for the red wedding, together with Walder Frey. He made the evening complete by sticking a spear through Robb Starks heart.
On the Iron Island we still have the Greyjoys. About them, there is not a lot to tell yet. Except that they are not that joy full and still want to be king. And with all his sons gone, Mister Greyjoy, (sometimes even I forget his name) has only his daughter, Yara, (readers will know her better as Asha) left. That is not really of the taste of the men on the Iron Islands.
On another continent we still have Daenerys storm born of house Targaryen, the dragon queen, the unburned, breaker of chains, Khaleesi of the great Dothraki seas, mother of dragons….. and so on, and so on. Can anyone tell me how her scribe, Missandei, can remember all of this?
However, Danny settled down in Meereen for now. Two of her dragons locked up in a dungeon, the other gone. Too big to control any longer.
Remember when she sent Lord Friend zone, that old night Jorah Mormont, away from her service for spying on her? Good. Remember.
Another thing to remember. You know that sunny day when Oberin Martell walked with Cercei through the gardens and told her he had eight daughters? Well. They are angry. And the three oldest are not to be messing with. Loved, but also feared, by the people of Doorn. Their favourite sport? Hating Lannister. And all the people of Doorn likes joining them in that sport.
Poor Myrcella Lannister. In Tyrion’s time as Hand, a few seasons ago, he sent her to Doorn.
Indeed! There is a lot of things going on in Westeros and Essos. Everyone is so busy that they are completely ignoring an invasion from the Ice Zombies. The brothers of the Night’s Watch have a big task! And if the ice zombies were not enough, the wildlings decided to give war to the Night’s Watch to be able to go further south and escape from the ice zombies. King Stannis, that guy who works with that red witch, came just in time to break the wildlings. Most wildlings ran back to North. Others were captured and so was their leader Mance Rayder. A former crow, and a deserter of the Night’s watch.
But don’t forget. This all happens without a Lord Commander. Commander Mormont was killed by his own men a season ago.
And these are most of the important things of where we left Game of Thrones ten months ago.

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